Notes To Hide (that will probably never reach him)
by intensiveoffensive
Summary: Repressed memories, mental infrequency, and insanity. Shown through mental notes by Kaneki/Haise for Hide.
1. Mental-Note One

**AN:** I wrote this a while ago, around the end of the manga. I don't know if it fits into all the canon facts, but I figured I would share it because damn. Tokyo Ghoul hits hard. Looking back I see a few lines that kind of foreshadow Tokyo Ghoul:Re. Huh, I didn't know I was psychic. (If you like this then please fave and review, it mean a lot to me!)

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If I'm to die today, and I assure you that I will, then I want you to know that you were my first love and you will be my last. I can promise that. I don't think I could love anyone more than I did you, and it's a sad fact but I can't help it. Maybe I should just accept it; that I don't want to die and the only reason is because it means I can't protect you. Which is what I want to do; protect you. If I could look death in the face I would say, "I'm a tragedy and I know that, but you can't have me today. I have someone waiting for me back home."

I suppose that no matter what I say, it's not going to do either of us any good. My eye is throbbing, burning, and it's never done that before. Does this mean I'm going to die? Hide I don't want to and please don't ever think that I did. This is turning into some sort of apology note, Hide I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm lost, I'm sorry it all turned out this way, I'm sorry that I didn't push you away sooner, but I'm sorry for when I did. Sorry I didn't reply to any of your calls, if I had known you would have accepted me, baby I would have. You know I would.

If I am to be reborn, let me be reborn as someone who associates with ghouls, whether I am one or I'm an investigator, as long as it means I'm more likely to run into you. I have a hazy recollection of you helping me Hide. That was stupid of you, why'd you do that? Why why why why... If you did help me then I don't think anyone can help you. I might have been able to, but obviously now I can't. Ha ha. Anyway, if I am reborn just say my name. Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki, Centipede. That's all, say my name say my name saymyname! Hide, Hide, Hide, that's your name right? I'm starting to forget how this rambling started, the first part isn't connecting with this part and if I look up I'm cheating. If I'm to die today, and I assure you I will because I can feel it creeping up on me. With every cough I splutter out, I can feel death curling its inky black around my legs and my arms. It is also saying my name, both you and death are saying my name. KanekiKanekiKanekiKanekiKaneki. Hide? Hide? I'll protect you, my first love. My first love, my only love, and my love until the very last.


	2. Repressed-Note Two

**AN:** So I wasn't going to continue this, but I had some ideas and thought why not. I'm kind of experimenting with this note writing idea, so I apologize if it's not up to par with my other fanfiction ;) One of my favourite tropes is Repressed memories, so enjoy. If you like this please fave, follow, or review.!

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Something is very wrong with me. There's a face and a name in my mind, a name that rises up like bile in the back of my throat and a name that I want to scream out to the universe. A name that I would love to savour on the tip of my tongue, oh if only I could. When I delve down in the recess of my mind for the name, for the face, for anything about this person, I come up blank. With a jumbled mess of syllables and sounds, and a wavering and blurry photo of someone I think I used to love. Maybe saying I used to love them is a stretch, but it's the only word I can come up with to describe the feeling in my chest.

I hate this, I fucking hate this. Gross gross gross. I'm a ghoul investigator, there's no room for uncertainty. What happens if this, this _person, _whoever they are, shows up? What if I'm set out on a mission and I have to kill this person? And what if I can't? Oh God, what if I can't? I have to. I have to kill everyone in my way, everyoneveryone. No room for error, no room for preposterous feelings. I have to suppress this, whatever this horrible pain in my head and my heart is. I have to get rid of it, destroy it. No room for error, no room for uncertainty. I'm happy now, I'm happy here. I can't sacrifice all this for _them. _

_Them them them them them them them. _


End file.
